emotions are gushing through me and I just don't know where to start. I have so many things I want to say, I want to share, and I WILL share, but just a note; words I use here are definitely insufficient to express all my rich emotions.

okay, met him the other day, and though I was shocked, I still acknowledged him. He came over and sit. We talked, we played games on the laptop, he told me what he was doing in school, I told him what I was doing there (speaking of which did he even ask me what I was doing there or did I automatically tell him??) Then, it was just slow-moving, finding topics to talk about, I felt restrained, I felt bored? nonono, looking at him more than kept me busy. *grins* but, it felt boring, seriously, later after thinking back, I realised that the way we held our conversation that day was not the way I wanted my future bf to have with me. It just felt like we needed to make such an effort to have something to talk about. And that was sad. really, later I was feeling emo before meeting hua and I was thinking back about the whole incident with him, and wham, it hit me. I know that I am still attracted to him, I know that I still carry that hope that he will suddenly tell me one day that he likes me. whenever I meet him, I cannot help feeling that way, but whenever I do not, I feel so sick and tired of this relationship and want to just end it. YET, I cannot just abandon/ignore him when I do meet him, I cannot help it. So I was thinking that day, it came so easily to me that I was sure that the next day, my thoughts, feelings and decision that I had made that day will change, but so far, I have stuck to it. Which is good, so here I am to share with you.

I would prefer to be good friends with you, and I have decided upon so. Because I cannot deny that I am not interested in whatever is going on in your life, I wish to know what troubles you, yet, if I care about you in wanting to be more than a friend, I feel very restrained, because it is just not happening. Because I have realised how interesting my gfs have found it to chat with you, with no committment whatsoever, but for me, the burdens flood me, I have to constantly look out for clues, drop hints, do all sorta things to get your attention, become so desperate that I could no longer lead my life properly and no longer hold a no-strings-attached conversation with you. Which really sucks, it becomes hard to truly care about you, coz there will always be a lingering thought if you care about me as well. Which is why, I have decided on so, being good friends with you will be much easier. And I think I am finally starting to let go. My heart for you, I guess is slowly dying, and I have recognised the signs for it too. And that day, it was one of the closing days for me. The closure of one chapter, which also signified the opening of the next, to build a foundation with you to become good friends. My life has lightened up quite a bit with that realisation. I no longer get so troubled with you. Now I feel like it's my life again. Not that it wasn't before, but previously a large part of my life revolved around you or even if it did not, it was probably because I blocked it out and distracted myself. Now I can say that my life is quite back to me, me and me. Busy with my life, when reflecting about life, it no longer wanders off to you, not all the time anyway. And I am really happy about that. Lastly, there will always be this little hope whenever I meet you, because I am still attracted to you. Yes, there is a difference between attraction, obsession and zhi zhuo (stubborness in a way).

Emotional tangle, I think my heart is ready.

--------------------------------------------------

work(:
haahs, hua says she's sick of working at craving thoughts, that she hates doing sai gang and that she hates it that she has to worry about school and still stress about work. I agree with her lah, but that is because the past week has been so busy, but david gave her so many shifts that she did not have the time to do her work. haahs, poor her. But once she quits, shit ass, david is probably going to give me the shifts instead and then how am I supposed to cope with it? I do like the cafe, I like the atmosphere and I like the people there, but if it's going to stress me out with all the work and shifts and spending so much time there, I hate to admit that I will probably quit too.haahs, I actually introduced him to work there too.haahs. *smilee*, he says he will think about it.hahas. anyway, going to work now, boo hoo, think i may continue my entry later or do my work, I still got so many things to do. sighhs. oh wells, later.

emotions are gushing through me and I just don't know where to start. I have so many things I want to say, I want to share, and I WILL share, but just a note; words I use here are definitely insufficient to express all my rich emotions.

okay, met him the other day, and though I was shocked, I still acknowledged him. He came over and sit. We talked, we played games on the laptop, he told me what he was doing in school, I told him what I was doing there (speaking of which did he even ask me what I was doing there or did I automatically tell him??) Then, it was just slow-moving, finding topics to talk about, I felt restrained, I felt bored? nonono, looking at him more than kept me busy. *grins* but, it felt boring, seriously, later after thinking back, I realised that the way we held our conversation that day was not the way I wanted my future bf to have with me. It just felt like we needed to make such an effort to have something to talk about. And that was sad. really, later I was feeling emo before meeting hua and I was thinking back about the whole incident with him, and wham, it hit me. I know that I am still attracted to him, I know that I still carry that hope that he will suddenly tell me one day that he likes me. whenever I meet him, I cannot help feeling that way, but whenever I do not, I feel so sick and tired of this relationship and want to just end it. YET, I cannot just abandon/ignore him when I do meet him, I cannot help it. So I was thinking that day, it came so easily to me that I was sure that the next day, my thoughts, feelings and decision that I had made that day will change, but so far, I have stuck to it. Which is good, so here I am to share with you.

I would prefer to be good friends with you, and I have decided upon so. Because I cannot deny that I am not interested in whatever is going on in your life, I wish to know what troubles you, yet, if I care about you in wanting to be more than a friend, I feel very restrained, because it is just not happening. Because I have realised how interesting my gfs have found it to chat with you, with no committment whatsoever, but for me, the burdens flood me, I have to constantly look out for clues, drop hints, do all sorta things to get your attention, become so desperate that I could no longer lead my life properly and no longer hold a no-strings-attached conversation with you. Which really sucks, it becomes hard to truly care about you, coz there will always be a lingering thought if you care about me as well. Which is why, I have decided on so, being good friends with you will be much easier. And I think I am finally starting to let go. My heart for you, I guess is slowly dying, and I have recognised the signs for it too. And that day, it was one of the closing days for me. The closure of one chapter, which also signified the opening of the next, to build a foundation with you to become good friends. My life has lightened up quite a bit with that realisation. I no longer get so troubled with you. Now I feel like it's my life again. Not that it wasn't before, but previously a large part of my life revolved around you or even if it did not, it was probably because I blocked it out and distracted myself. Now I can say that my life is quite back to me, me and me. Busy with my life, when reflecting about life, it no longer wanders off to you, not all the time anyway. And I am really happy about that. Lastly, there will always be this little hope whenever I meet you, because I am still attracted to you. Yes, there is a difference between attraction, obsession and zhi zhuo (stubborness in a way).

Emotional tangle, I think my heart is ready.

--------------------------------------------------

work(:
haahs, hua says she's sick of working at craving thoughts, that she hates doing sai gang and that she hates it that she has to worry about school and still stress about work. I agree with her lah, but that is because the past week has been so busy, but david gave her so many shifts that she did not have the time to do her work. haahs, poor her. But once she quits, shit ass, david is probably going to give me the shifts instead and then how am I supposed to cope with it? I do like the cafe, I like the atmosphere and I like the people there, but if it's going to stress me out with all the work and shifts and spending so much time there, I hate to admit that I will probably quit too.haahs, I actually introduced him to work there too.haahs. *smilee*, he says he will think about it.hahas. anyway, going to work now, boo hoo, think i may continue my entry later or do my work, I still got so many things to do. sighhs. oh wells, later.